Archive for August 2008

Nasty Midnighters

30 August 2008

My Fellow Nasty Midnighters,

Since the Salt Lake County Sports Office blew their whole budget on that skyscraper of a championship trophy, it’s up to us congratulate ourselves on our perfect losing season.

0-7, baby!

And no forfeits.

(Thanks, jonafun 2 of flickr)

The Answer is…

Pete, with your superb fundamentals, you nearly spoiled the perfection of our record. That game winner from the corner was seriously in and out.

Charles, thank you for sinking that half-court shot with one second left in our second game. After losing by 40 our first game, that shot saved us from another blowout, bumping us up to a respectable twelve-point loss.

Matt, even the refs cheered for your behind-the-back-off-the-elbow fastbreak pass.

Blake, you became quite the little Dennis Rodman by the end. I have a confession. That time you went up for a rebound and tipped the ball into our own hoop, I got a piece of it as well.

Spencer, I don’t know you. I was in Hawaii the only time you actually showed up. You stole my jersey, though. I was duct-taping the number 17 onto a black t-shirt for the rest of the season.

Steve, I think we can safely bet that thanks to you The Nasty Midnighters were the only team in the recreational division with an olympian on the roster. I felt guilty cashing your check. Wish you could have played more games.

Chris, at 6′ 4″, 145 pounds, you get extra props for being the only guy on the team to consistently set screens and take charges. That tailbone still broken?

Dane, you were a pest on the perimeter, and you probably outrebounded me playing center. Too bad BYU made you shave that beard and chop off those greasy curls. It’s a church school. Have they really not read the story of Samson?

Alan, you sported the team’s highest-contrast farmer’s tan, you ditched us once to study directX programming, but that soft touch on your J made you truly nasty.

Tanner, our secret weapon, our ringer, our last hope for a change in the win column, we brought you on to intimidate the enemy team and the enemy referees, to do battle on the low block. You did your job. We let you down.

Thank you all for enduring a season of city league ball, and thank you all (except Blake, Dane, and Tanner) for paying forty bucks to do it. I mean it. We took those seven losses like champs.

Cheers,

Nat Foster

2 comments

Pennsylvania

25 August 2008

Dear Pennsylvania,

I drove through eleven states this past weekend, and compared to the other ten you rank very near the top in terms of pastoral beauty. You provide some really picturesque stretches, really. However, are you aware of the wart you have growing on your turnpike?

An unincorporated town by the name of Breezewood, PA:

And, if you can believe it, Breezewood looks even more malignant from the southeast, but to document that angle I would have had to leave the security of the vehicle.

As a concerned passerby, I recommend you have a specialist take a look at this growth immediately.

Sincerely,

Nat Foster

3 comments

Eyeball Bacteria

19 August 2008

To the bacteria on the surface of my eyeballs:

Kindly stop scarring up the corneas, especially the right one, thanks. I’m seeing the world through scratched glass.

Your host,

Nat Foster

1 comment