Dear Kilby, a weblog in letters signed Nat Foster

Archive for October 2008

Egg Sacks

11 October 2008

To the spider egg sacks clogged inside my vacuum cleaner:

You inspired a slight, but grotesque worry in our household when Renee discovered you suspended behind our cache of flattened moving boxes, no mommy on guard. It’s likely she was the wolf I caught hunting across our carpet. If I remember right I pinched her softly inside kleenex and released her over the lawn. You, however, I would not treat with the same tenderness. I wheeled the roaring vacuum across the concrete and put the hose to your web, strands twisting together as they dragged you down with them. As I slurped the husks of crickets and ladybugs off the floor, the gunk lodged itself just before it reached the tank, clearly visible through the plastic.

Now, a month later, the possibility that you have hatched haunts the machine so severely that neither of us has dared check. We just assume. We fight over who should put baggies over their hands and scoop you out. We make bargains:

“I’ll vacuum the whole apartment if you just do it.”

“No way.”

“Vacuuming plus dishes then.”

“It’s your turn for dishes anyway.”

“Fine, the vacuuming, the dishes, and the bathroom. Final offer.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Each day we track in more grass clippings, fall leaves, and mud, dried and molded in the tread of our shoes. Dog hair clings to the sofa set. Crumbs of a stepped-on apple jack sink deeper into the rug.

Nothing gets done.

Please accept this official apology for sucking you up and dooming you inside.

Sincerely yours,

Nat Foster

3 comments

One is all you need.

2 October 2008

To all you old school typists who still hit the space bar twice after a sentence-ending period:

One is all you need. I promise.

Same message goes for polygamists, owners of multiple calculator wristwatches, and Jimmy Page:

One is all you need.

To everyone remaining:

I need your help getting this important message out. Who else can you think of that needs to hear it?

Thanks,

Nat Foster

4 comments